Take My Hands

Written December 2017. Posted without edits or adjustments.

It's been six years since that day. Six years since I had pain in my hands, then my wrists, then elbows and beyond. You'd better stop working for a few days. Did that really do it? How could something as simple as a little pain in my hands change everything?

I still remember when the disability agent called, and one of her questions was what this arm pain was affecting. Any hobbies? Well, yes, I said, and began to list all my great loves — guitar, piano, drawing, writing, creating, design, sports of all kind, any work or tasks with my hands — and realized for the first time what had been lost.

The career disappeared, the passions disappeared, life seemed to disappear. Can't carry groceries, can't twist a doorknob, pain when I lift a plate. Struggling to cut a cucumber, fold a page. Holding the neck of my guitar and gutting through pain just to hear the music — so much pain for a few notes to calm the soul. Just some silly little pain, changing everything.

Jesus once told of a man who found a great treasure in a field, and he ran to sell all he had so he could buy that field and have that treasure. I used to find that story ridiculous — who would sell all their stuff just for one good thing? Wouldn't you still need your stuff? How do you live daily life?

That way of thinking fails to grasp just how great that treasure must be. On this day, I struggle very much to live daily life, and to human eyes, it looks very much like I need my "stuff." But I have found the great treasure, and it is worth it. I may have lost the music, lost the limbs, but I gained the God to Whom I was crying out for in the music, the God for Whom I wanted to give my strength. You don't need all the crutches you've used to try to reach God when He brings you into His presence Himself.

Times of deep, deep suffering that I don't have words to describe, yet times of incredible joy like I've never known, and there are no words for that, either.

By far the greatest gift this has given me is to know the love of God. What a simple statement, yet so complicated that I spent my whole life chasing it. Let me say this: If all you've known is the love of people, or the works of people telling you they are of God, you are probably as disappointed as I was. The God I know is the love you are looking for. He has been the hope in my darkness, the good in my fight. Don't give up on pursuing that love just because so many people muddy the waters. He's better than advertised.

So much more to write, so much more to say. Can I ever capture what's happened? Can I ever say it so you can see it? If the sky were a scroll, it wouldn't be big enough to capture it all, right?

Take my life, and let it be
Consecrated, God, to Thee
Take my moments and my days
Let them flow in ceaseless praise
Let them flow in ceaseless praise

Take my hands, and let them move
At the impulse of your love —

To be continued, praise Jesus.